I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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