She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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