A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
