Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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