you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
50% drunk capacity currently
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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