So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
