my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
