dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize