He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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