So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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