I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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