I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
