people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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