I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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