i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
