I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
