Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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