Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
