Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
