I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
