So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Liz is crying about burritos again.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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