It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
