I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Acid is not a monday night drug
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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