omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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