Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
