Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
