I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
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After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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