You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Randomize
