you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
