I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Michael Bay diarrhea
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
