I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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