Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
