this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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