In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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