STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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