Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
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New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
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If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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