I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
