the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
