i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
