Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
