A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
