Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
