Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
