Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
