i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
