plz talk dirty to me
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
