i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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