I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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