Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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