I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
