Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
