My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't think brook has ever known best
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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