i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
